It is easy to believe that a romantic relationship should always be easy and effortless, but the reality is that it takes work, effort, and compromise. Over time, it is common for unhealthy habits to develop in a relationship, and this can take a detrimental toll on the couple’s overall satisfaction and wellbeing. The good news is that these habits can be addressed and rectified. In this article, we will examine six common toxic relationship habits and how to change them for the better.

1. The Relationship Scorecard

The relationship scorecard is a common phenomenon in which one or both partners in a relationship keep tabs on each other’s past mistakes, and use them as a weapon when an argument or disagreement arises. When this happens, it becomes a battle to see who has done the most wrong and who owes whom the most. A scorecard mentality is destructive, as it shifts the focus of the relationship towards who is right or wrong, rather than towards resolving the issue at hand.

What to do Instead:

First, acknowledge the issue and resolve to deal with it in a healthy way. Deal with issues individually, unless they are legitimately connected. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago. Accept that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are also choosing to accept their prior actions and behaviors.

2. Dropping “Hints” and Other Passive-Aggression

Passive-aggressive behavior is when one partner communicates their feelings or desires indirectly, instead of stating them directly. Dropping hints or small, petty complaints is a common method, as it allows the partner to feel justified in their complaints, without making their feelings transparent. Passive-aggressive behavior illustrates that you and your partner do not communicate effectively, and that your partner may not feel comfortable expressing themselves within the relationship.

What to do Instead:

Openly and honestly communicate your feelings and desires. Make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to agree with you, but that you’d appreciate their support. When both partners feel safe and respected enough to communicate their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, it strengthens their commitment to each other in the long run.

3. Holding the Relationship Hostage

Holding the relationship hostage is when one partner threatens the commitment of the relationship as a whole, instead of addressing any minor issue or complaint they may have. It’s a form of emotional blackmail that creates excess drama and distrust between the partners. It can create an environment where partners hold back their feelings or opinions, leading to a manipulative and unhealthy relationship dynamic.

What to do Instead:

It’s perfectly acceptable to be upset or annoyed with your partner or not like certain aspects of them. However, understand that a commitment to someone doesn’t equate to liking every single aspect of them. Instead of threatening the relationship, try communicating your feelings and working towards a solution. Two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards each other only without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.

4. Blaming Your Partner For Your Own Emotions

When one partner is having a bad day, they often lash out at their partner, blaming them for their negative emotions. They believe that their partner should be responsible for their emotional state, and view any actions or choices made by their partner as a direct betrayal. Blaming one’s partner for their emotions is a selfish act that requires poor maintenance of personal boundaries.

What to do Instead:

Accept responsibility for your emotions, recognize that your partner can’t be responsible for how you feel at all times. Personal boundaries are critical in any relationship, so accept that it’s okay for your partner to plan activities or do things without you. Communication of emotions should always take place in a respectful and positive manner, rather than as an attack on one’s partner.

5. Passive Listening Instead of Active Listening

While it’s easy to listen to your partner speak, it’s also vital to actively engage with their concerns, issues, and feelings. Passive listening is when someone hears what their partner is saying, but doesn’t make any effort to fully understand their partner’s perspective. Passive listening leads to misunderstandings, unresolved conflicts, and overall dissatisfaction in the relationship.

What to do Instead:

Be present and involved when listening to your partner. Practice active listening, ask questions or engage with their perspective, and make a clear effort to understand where they’re coming from. Active listening leads to stronger bonds of trust, empathy, and shared understanding within the relationship.

6. Staying In a Dead-End Relationship

When a relationship is reaching the end of its life, it’s essential to recognize it and let go. Holding on to a relationship that is failing can be incredibly destructive to one’s self-esteem, emotional wellbeing, and future opportunities for happiness.

What to do Instead:

First, recognize when a relationship no longer feels fulfilling. It’s important to be mindful and honest about your emotions and to recognize when it is time to move on. Take the time to value what you’ve learned, gain closure and move forward with a positive outlook about future relationships.

In conclusion, unhealthy relationship habits can account for many of the issues and conflicts couples face. By adopting healthier communication habits, practicing self-care, and staying committed to ongoing growth as individuals and as partners, couples can maintain a healthy relationship that fulfills their needs and enables them to connect on a deeper level.