Parenting Mistakes: How to Avoid Inadvertently Harming Your Children

In many ways, being a parent is the most delicate balancing act of all. Not only must we lead our children into adulthood and encourage them to grow, but there is also a pressing need to act as their guardians to protect them from physical and mental harm.

This balance is difficult to achieve, and even with the best of intentions, it is possible to make inadvertent mistakes that negatively impact the growth and well-being of your children. With an awareness of these parenting pitfalls, however, you can hopefully avoid them and protect your children from long-term harm.

1. Failing to practice what we Preach

While children must ultimately be empowered to forge their own path in life, it is our responsibility as parents to instill the values and principles that will guide their decisions as accountable adults. Make no mistake; actions speak louder than words in the mind of a child, so it is crucial that you try to impart behaviors and values through a consistent, physical example.

If your own behavior is unethical and does not match the values that you preach, your child will notice and develop a confused set of values that hinder strong decision making.

2. Imposing our own will on your children

As strong-minded parents, it is natural that you would want your children to follow in your footsteps. However, there may be unhealthy psychological reasons for this desire, such as wanting to control your child or living vicariously through their actions. It is important to ensure that you do not inadvertently impose your own will on your child, as this can cause them to follow a future course that leads to failure or long-term unhappiness.

For example, my father strongly encouraged me to forge a career in the manufacturing sector where he made his living. Although he genuinely believed that this was in my best interests, this was not a career path that could help me achieve long-term stability or satisfaction.

So while a parent should always offer objective advice when approached by their child, you should refrain from imposing your will and unduly influencing their decisions.

3. Preventing your child from taking risks

Occasionally, parents may impose their own will as it encourages their child to pursue a safe and familiar course in life. This betrays a fear that your child will fail, but learning how to take and manage calculated risks is a crucial life lesson that will prepare your child for adulthood. While it is our primary duty to protect the physical and mental well-being of our children, we must be balanced in our approach if we are to achieve our parenting goals.

Psychologists in Europe have discovered that children who do not play outside and experience falls or skinned knees can stunt emotional development and cause phobias in adulthood. Children must, therefore, be empowered to take small and controlled risks that impart valuable lessons, build independence, and aid the development of maturity.

4. Failing to distinguish between Genuine and Perceived Threats

To successfully enable your child to encounter risk, you will need to maintain an objective mind and distinguish between genuine and perceived threats. Often as parents, we struggle to make such a distinction, as we allow our minds to be overrun by irrational fears and subjective experiences that have hindered our own development.

Let’s say that you are a nervous driver or passenger and are loath to travel with your child in a car. While there is a basis for your caution, this can be easily exacerbated by subconscious fears and incidents that may have occurred during your own childhood. To break this psychological cycle, you will need to think logically and identify precise threats, such as the risk of your child being injured in a collision.

From here, you can take practical steps such as installing and successfully using seatbelt restraints, which have saved an estimated 303 children’s lives as recently as 2010.

5. Rescuing our children too Quickly

The pace of technological advancement and widespread social changes have prevented today’s generation of youngsters from developing the same set of life skills as previous generations. Today’s parents are also more likely to intervene and rescue their children from perceived difficulties or hardship, solving short-term issues at the expense of long-term growth and development.

In the UK, for example, it is now estimated that parents contribute £17,900 ($23,435) to the deposit on their children’s first house. This is a huge sum that is often offered unconditionally, negating the need for young adults to develop core coping and problem-solving skills that they will be expected to possess as they grow older.

This is the culmination of a pattern established in childhood, and one that can have a debilitating impact throughout the lifetime of our offspring.

6. Allowing Guilt to interfere with our Parenting

If fear is one of the negative emotions that prevent effective parenting, guilt is another that must be given careful consideration. This is particularly true for inexperienced or first-time parents (or those with multiple children), who are often loath to upset or disappoint their children, even in instances where their demands are unreasonable and ultimately not in their best interests.

The cumulative effect of such behavior manifests itself in a spoiled child with a sense of entitlement, which in turn can breed traits such as arrogance and selfishness in later life. These attributes are extremely detrimental to the cultivation of adult relationships, and in this respect, yielding to an irrational, fleeting sense of guilt can trigger a lifetime of personality issues that are impossible to overcome.

7. Refusing to share our past mistakes

On a final note, it is important to strike the ideal balance between oppressing or smothering children and leaving them to their own devices. After all, healthy teenagers are always a little too eager to spread their wings, and while you should inhibit this raw ambition, you should also look to harness and channel this whenever possible.

This is where your own unique experiences can come into play, particularly when you focus on relevant examples and explain these objectively to your child. By sharing the mistakes that you have made, you can fill critical gaps in knowledge and experience while helping your child make more informed decisions concerning smoking, education, and the consumption of alcohol.

Just remember to educate your child on the consequences of these mistakes and how you recovered from them, as this will help to prepare them regardless of the decision that they ultimately take.