Did you know that yelling at your child can cause just as much damage to them as hitting them? The majority of parents resort to yelling, screaming, or simply raising their voices when they are trying to get a message through to their child who is acting out. They know that yelling isn’t the best way to parent, yet time and time again they find themselves raising their voice as it seems to be the fall back method to get their child to listen.

The Problem of Yelling: It’s Too Weak to Change a Child’s Behaviors

The problem with being a parent who makes it a habit of yelling, is that this tactic can be as damaging as hitting your child and the yelling often becomes ineffective, which is exemplified by parents who increase the volume of their yelling over time. Parents will raise their voices louder and louder, until it reaches a point where every time they go to correct their child they yell at maximum volume, as this has become the habit and way for getting any reaction out of the child.

If the yelling has no consequences other than the yelling itself, most kids find this is not a strong enough deterrent or effective agent of change to permanently change their behavior.

An Effective Parenting Approach Can Be a Whisper With Prompt Results

Effective parenting uses a softer approach that not only communicates to the child on their level for greater understanding but also uses an approach that has immediate consequences that are consistently utilized.

There are ways of parenting that use a softer approach that actually get children to obey. If parents start using a “One Ask Approach”, they will find their children listen the first time they say things. It isn’t magical though. It takes time and consistency. The child needs to understand that if they are given a warning and they still fail to obey then a consequence immediately follows.

Parents who are consistent with the follow through will see that over time they can even whisper the warning to their child and get effective and prompt results. Yelling is not effective in the long run. However, since yelling is the most habitually used parenting tactic when children act out, the one ask approach needs to be better understood and practiced by parents in order to reduce their habit of yelling.

Use the “One Ask Approach”

The one ask approach is simply a method of parenting that involves warning your child only once and if they don’t alter their behavior the consequence/punishment immediately follows. There are three basic steps for a parent to follow:

1. When the child does something wrong, they are told only once how and why their behavior needs to change or there will be a specific consequence.

For example, if your child is jumping on their bed you simply state “you need to stop jumping on your bed by the count of 3 because I don’t want you to fall off the bed and get hurt. If you don’t stop jumping by the count of 3 you will be put in time out for 5 minutes”. This warning is only said once and is said in a calm yet firm tone. No yelling or raising of voices is involved.

2. Thank the child for listening; don’t give multiple warnings if they don’t listen.

If the child stops the behavior, commend them and say thank you for listening. If they don’t stop, you do not give another warning, or multiple warnings as this will become what they expect, so they will not listen the first time. If they failed to follow instructions, it is time to immediately follow through on the consequence.

3. Talk with the child on their level following the punishment.

The level of the offense determines the level of discussion needed. If it is for jumping on the bed, you can simply express to your child on their level that you would be very sad if they fell off the bed and got hurt. You have these rules to protect them because you love them. Being consistent with your words and actions will help your child learn that you mean business when you speak to them about their behavior.

The warnings have to include very specific and realistic consequences for their actions. If they know you won’t follow through, for example, by threatening to let them out of the car on the side of the freeway, then they likely won’t change their behavior because the threat is not valid. Use realistic threats and consequences you can follow through with immediately. Time outs and taking away privileges are the most often utilized effective threats and consequences. These are the easiest for parents to implement as well. Behavioral change happens in the heart to make the change permanent.

There are key components to talking with your child to help them understand their behavior issues in their heart and not just in their mind. After all, if they are just acting robotically because of fear of consequence, then their mindset has not changed. Parents need to get to the root and core of the problem. That way the child’s heart is affected and they understand their need for change emotionally (heart) and intellectually (mind). Here are some tips of doing just that:

Get on Their Level

If you are preaching down to your child, your message is likely to go over their head or in one ear and out the other. They don’t want to tune into your message if you are towering over them, shaking your finger, and using a stern or harsh voice (even if you aren’t yelling). To communicate with your child, here are 7 ways to speak so they listen and take the message to heart.

1. Physically get on their level.

Crouch down or sit down on the ground in front of your child so that you are at eye level. Use eye contact while speaking so can connect. It is a powerful tool in human communication that we, as parents, often take for granted. Look your child in the eyes so they know they matter and that you are serious about the conversation.

2. Use their name.

Make it personal. Use their first name when speaking to them, so they know it is about them and not anyone else around. Be sure to maintain that eye contact as you say their name and focus on them only.

3. Use a softer approach.

Compassion is what is needed when you really want to yell at your child. What parents need to remember is that your child is just that, a child. They don’t have all of our life experience, wisdom, or working brain activity. They are still learning and growing, so speak with compassion and understanding recognizing that your three year old is acting like a year old, acceptable or not. When conveying your message use a softer tone of voice but one that is firm to convey that you mean while you are saying. Avoid yelling as it will cause your child to either shut down or to act out even further.

4. Keep the message simple.

Small children are not capable of understanding big words and big concepts. Keep your message simple and brief. They have short attention spans, so you will lose their attention if you drone on and on. Say what you need to say in a few brief sentences that a child can understand. Avoid big words and anything that is going to cause them to be confused about the issue.

4. Listen when they speak.

When you are getting on a child’s level to communicate, it should not be a one way street or it will just be preaching to them. Allow time for the child to respond to your words, to converse, and to actually listen intently to what they are saying. Remember that your ability to express yourself verbally is much greater than that child’s. Be understanding of the message they are trying to convey, as it may be the only way they know how to say it.

5. Use “I” statements and encourage the child to as well.

Start your statements with “I”. If you start off by saying “you are always hitting your brother” it is not as effective as starting off by saying “I feel sad when you hit your brother”. By stating your own feelings in response to their behavior, it helps the child understand your perspective and why their behavior is not acceptable. Encourage them to use “I” statements as well, so they can express their own feelings and thoughts.

Conclusion

Yelling may seem like an easy solution when you are frustrated with your child’s behavior, but it is not an effective and long-term solution. Yelling can cause as much damage to a child as physically hitting them. The “One Ask Approach” is a softer method of parenting that can yield better results. By warning your child once, explaining the consequences if they don’t change their behavior, and following through with those consequences, you can teach your child to listen and obey without the need for yelling. Additionally, communicating with your child on their level, using a softer approach, keeping the message simple, and listening to them can help them understand their behavior issues on an emotional and intellectual level. Remember, effective parenting does not involve yelling, but rather a calm and consistent approach that teaches and guides your child.