Negotiating with Your Child: Should You or Shouldn’t You?

Parenting is perhaps the most challenging job in the world. Each day brings new challenges, and sometimes, what worked yesterday might not work today. One common scenario that many parents face is their child’s demand for negotiation. “I’ll eat my broccoli only if I can have ice cream” or “I’ll clean my room only if Nina can come over” are statements that you might have heard a dozen times. It might feel like you’re facing a tiny lawyer out to negotiate a big deal. So, what do you do? Should you negotiate with your child or put your foot down?

To Negotiate or Not to Negotiate: The Answer Lies with Circumstances

There is no clear-cut answer to this question. How you handle negotiation with your child depends on the situation. Certain things are non-negotiable, such as your child’s safety. For example, if they refuse to wear a seatbelt in the car or are on the brink of doing something that could harm themselves or others, there is no room for negotiation. By being firm in these areas, you are setting boundaries and teaching them potential life lessons.

On the other hand, there are many areas that are open for negotiation, such as meal choices, clothing choices, or staying over at a friend’s place. Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and parenting specialist, suggests that negotiating with your child on these matters can help develop critical conflict resolution skills.

How to Negotiate with Your Child

Negotiating with your child can go a long way in fostering a positive parent-child relationship, but it can be challenging. Below are some tips to help ease the process.

Don’t be a Dictator: Give Choices
Instead of barking orders to your child, try to offer them choices. Giving your child a say in the matter can help them feel they are in control. For example, rather than telling them to clean the room, ask them if they would like to do it before or after dinner, or if they would prefer to help you in the garden shed. This technique has proven quite effective in many households.

Always Keep Your Cool
Keep your emotions in check when negotiating with your child. Losing your temper can escalate the situation, leading to an all-out argument or meltdown. Instead, try to stay composed and use distraction tactics and choice-offering instead of yelling.

Do Not Allow Yourself to Be Manipulated
Children are cunning and can use manipulation to get their way. If you suspect your child is manipulating you, stop the discussion and refuse to engage in it further. Stick to your guns and communicate that such behavior is unacceptable. Set consequences, such as taking away their favorite game or toy for a week, and follow through with them. Let them know that you mean business.

Let Them Know Why You Make Certain Decisions
It’s crucial to communicate with your child why you make certain decisions that may disappoint them. For example, if you won’t let them go to a friend’s house, explain the reasons behind your decision. Perhaps other family members may pose a safety risk, or maybe there are underlying issues that you are aware of that your child may not be. Transparency and communication can help your child understand your perspective.

Let Them Present Their Case
Sometimes, it’s helpful to allow your child to present their case. By doing so, you are teaching them communication skills, and they learn to articulate their thoughts and feelings effectively. Listen to their argument and present your case. If necessary, compromise to find a solution that works for both of you.

Know You Are the Captain
Ultimately, as a parent, you are the captain of the ship. You have the final say, but giving your child some leniency can go a long way in fostering a positive parent-child relationship. Even in negotiations, the outcome will only be acceptable if it aligns with your values and beliefs.

Final Thoughts

Negotiating with your child can be tricky, but it also presents an opportunity to teach them valuable life skills. Recognizing when to put your foot down and when to negotiate is essential. Remember to keep your cool, listen to your child, and be firm when needed. Who knows? Your little negotiator may become a future lawyer!