Relationships are arguably the most complex aspect of human existence. We fall in love and hope to live happily ever after, only to realize soon enough that life together can be challenging and full of unique hurdles. How do we merge with another person and remain independent? How do we forge a close emotional bond and stay attracted and excited romantically? These are some of the questions that plague us when it comes to relationships. Here are 10 lesser-known facts about relationships that can help you build a more fun and fulfilling life together.

1. It’s About Skills, Not Knowledge

Many of us read books, watch movies and TV shows, and seek advice from friends to become better at relationships. However, being good at relationships is not just about knowledge; it’s about skills. Relationships can be stressful, and when we are under stress, the higher cortical areas of our brain responsible for calculated thoughts shut down. This means that we’re left with more automatic reactions, often driven by our previous experiences with others. Therefore, what we need are skills that we have practiced and woven into our emotional and muscle memory, so that we can use them automatically, especially in moments when we’re running on animal instinct.

2. We Don’t Teach Partnership Despite It Being One of the Most Important Subjects

If there is one thing that is more important than anything else, it is learning how to form a strong and stable relationship with another person. While we could live life alone, very few of us enjoy that experience as much as sharing our lives with someone else. As social creatures, we are wired to have family and connections with others, but we’re not adequately trained to develop intimate relationships. Knowing how to cultivate a close relationship with a person different from ourselves is not just important for our own well-being and happiness, but also that of our children.

3. Relationship Determines Our Self-Esteem More Than Our Own Thoughts About Ourselves

Our culture promotes independence and self-reliance, yet neuroscience continues to confirm that our sense of self is nurtured through close relationships with our early caregivers. We don’t know who we are except in the eyes of others. If we’re treated well and supported, we assume that we’re good and internalize a sense of confidence. On the other hand, if we don’t receive the necessary care, we can lose our confidence, develop low self-esteem, guilt, shame, and other limiting feelings. As adults, we hope to develop high self-esteem by engaging in individual personal growth pursuits. However, research confirms that it’s more efficient to surround ourselves with loving people who believe in and support us, thereby reconstructing a relational path for the brain to develop a positive self-image.

4. Relationship Makes Us Smarter

Relationships require us to perform tasks that challenge our brains in helpful ways. For instance, to be fair to our partners, we must learn to hold two differing opinions as equal. This skill develops a marker of intelligence: The ability to simultaneously hold opposite views in equal measure. Relationships make us more mentally flexible and socially intelligent. They require that we be aware of ourselves and another person in real-time, promoting growth in the social-relational system that helps integrate the brain’s hemispheres.

5. We Don’t Have the Same Memory of Things, So Quit Trying!

Memory is state-dependent, which means that we encode things into memory through a filter that changes based on our stress levels and emotions. Memory is also shaped by previous experiences. Early family experiences often affect how we perceive and remember events. Many partners attempt to agree on what was said or done in a heated moment, but stopped trying; it’s not that important most of the time. What’s more important is to make up, care for each other’s feelings, and move forward. Partners often have trouble agreeing on facts because their perception of the same event is different in terms of how the brain encodes experience. Memory is unreliable under stress, such as during family arguments, so let it go.

6. Money, Sex, Time, Mess & Kids are Not the Real Issues

Psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin has found that the real issues that couples argue about pertain to closeness, connection, security, and understanding. Because we are not equipped to articulate those core needs, we often use mundane or superficial details of the household to communicate those deeper issues. Those more superficial or mundane conversations cannot resolve the deeper needs for connection. Partners can tolerate differences if they feel connected.

7. Many People Think They Made a Mistake Choosing Their Partner When They Chose Well

It’s true that there are bad choices when it comes to partners. However, much of our mate selection process is sophisticated and extensive, and we’re not even aware of it. Biology and instinct play a vital role, and subtle chemical signals and familiarities with our family of origin all go into the mix. Typically, lacking the skills to take our relationships beyond the early phases, we start to feel like we made a bad choice. It takes some work and practice to make it through the annoyance and reality stages of partnership, where two partners can feel incompatible. But once you do, you realize what a good choice your partner was to begin with.

8. Arguing is not a Sign of a Bad Relationship, But Not Making Up Quickly Is

Healthy couples argue as a normal part of being together. The issue is not that we’re arguing per se, but how we argue and how quickly and effectively we can make up. Arguing can deepen your relationship, release pent-up emotions, and bring more honesty to the conversation. However, couples need to be careful not to be too hostile in arguments. In fact, secure partners tend to look out for one another even in difficult moments. It’s more important to repair the damage stemming from an argument quickly to avoid negative feelings traveling into long-term memory.

9. Compassion Fatigue is Real

When two people are in a relationship, one of them is bound to be more emotionally reactive than the other. When this happens, the other partner can get tired and unhappy with the role they play in the relationship. Compassion fatigue can be challenging for the partner who is low in emotional reactivity. They can feel unappreciated, uncared for, and resentful towards the other partner. Consequently, it’s important to recognize the difference in emotional reactivity and how we can support each other in our partnership.

10. Our Relationship to Ourselves Is Directly Proportional to Our Relationship With Another

Our relationship with ourselves is inextricably linked to our relationship with others. Just as we work to repair the cracks in our partnership, we need to work on repairing the cracks in our internal harmony. Very often, the pain that we feel internally is the pain that we project on to our partners. If we can work on our relationship with ourselves, we can work on our relationship with others.

In conclusion, relationships can be mysterious and complex, but they don’t have to be a mystery. By learning about the above ten lesser-known facts, you can improve your relationship and create a more fun and fulfilling life together.