Divorce is a difficult and painful experience for both parents and children involved. While most parents and children are able to eventually get back to normal and adapt to the changes, there are common mistakes that divorced parents make that can have a lasting and profound impact on their children.

One of the biggest mistakes that divorced parents make is using their child as a therapist. They often vent their feelings and tell their children all the faults, insults, and horrible behavior of their spouse. This is extremely harmful to a child’s development because they are now directly involved in the conflict. Children are already trying to come to terms with losing a parent and using them as a therapist crosses a line.

Another mistake is not hiding the conflict between the parents, exposing children to the worst of the worst. Children shouldn’t have to witness scenes where spouses insult, threaten, belittle, or even resort to physical violence. This lack of security can lead to anxiety disorders, sleep issues, and problems forming stable relationships later in life.

Divorced parents often fail to provide a secure environment for their children, leaving them feeling abandoned. Children want a sense of continuity and predictability that is strengthened by a regular routine. However, divorce often disrupts this routine and can leave children feeling threatened. Parents need to co-parent and provide stability in areas such as school, friends, sports, and homework to minimize the disruption.

Neglecting to reassure children that the divorce is not their fault is another common mistake. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce and need to be reassured multiple times that it is not their fault. They also need to be reassured that their parents will always be there for them, even though they may not be living under the same roof.

Interrogating children about their experiences with the other parent is damaging as it makes them feel like they are in the middle of a boxing ring. On the other extreme, some parents never ask any questions about their children’s experiences, forcing them to store away their feelings. Instead, divorced parents should ask fun questions and avoid making further comment.

Using children as messengers and taking sides is another common mistake. Divorced parents should never use their children to convey messages as it leads to the alienation of the other parent over time. Instead, they should use email as a means of communication. Similarly, asking children to spy on the other parent is damaging and burdensome.

Some divorced parents try to punish their ex-spouse and end up hurting their children the most. They may exclude the other parent from important occasions or move too far away, limiting visitation. In both cases, the child is the one who suffers the most.

Turning the child into a “replacement spouse” is another burden that divorced parents place on their children. They may assign additional responsibilities to the oldest child because of the absent parent, weighing heavily on them. This can be extremely time-consuming and leave children feeling cheated out of their childhood.

Spoiling children and lavishing them with attention is a common mistake that divorced parents make. While it may be a way for parents to make up for the divorce and distract themselves from their own pain, it is ultimately detrimental to the children. Parents should strive for a sense of normalcy and agree on boundaries and limits to prevent creating an unhealthy dynamic.

Discussing financial arrangements, parenting time, and custody issues in front of children is another mistake that divorced parents make. These conversations should take place out of earshot because children will feel like they are just part of a business deal and a burden to their parents.

In conclusion, divorced parents need to be mindful of the mistakes they can make that deeply affect their children. By avoiding these mistakes and prioritizing their children’s well-being, divorcing parents can help their children navigate through the difficult transition and minimize the emotional scars that can result from divorce.