As human beings, we all want to feel loved, appreciated, and valued. However, there are times when we realize that we are an option and not a priority, and this realization can be haunting. It can lead us to question our worth, our identity, and our relationships. The sad truth is, many of us have been in situations where we feel like the third wheel, the last one invited, or the plus one. We suspect that we are a last-minute arrangement, or we feel like we are being edged out by some invisible force.

I have experienced this too many times, and I have learned that we cannot make people make us a priority. However, we do have the power to enable ourselves to become a priority person in life. We can do this by making ourselves and our needs a priority, recognizing the users in our life (even if they are family), listing the value of ourselves, investing in a worthy cause, not turning back, believing that better people and better things are just ahead, and staying fluid and continuing to make new friends.

The first step towards becoming a priority person is to make yourself and your needs a priority. It might sound counter-intuitive, but the truth is people like you because you make them the priority, and they do not have to make you a priority. By indulging yourself, doing what you want, when you want, how you want, even if you are alone while doing it, you are carving out your own domain. The people who want to make you a priority will come to your kingdom, or they can play elsewhere.

If you are a very giving person, you might have a hard time with this. In this case, you can get a pet or a garden going that needs you to make them a priority. You will fulfill your need to be giving in a healthy way that does not set up these relationships where you are second best. However, you need to start living for yourself, not for another person.

The second step towards becoming a priority person is to recognize the users in your life, even if they are family. It can be difficult to identify and distance yourself from the users in your life, especially if they are family members who have taught you since birth that you and your wants are not very important. However, if they repeatedly reinforce the message that you are not good enough or that your needs should not come first, you have to take a step back from them when the time is right for you.

Someone taught you to be the “option person,” and you have to get real about who that person or those people are. It will be life-altering when you take the blinders off.

The third step towards becoming a priority person is to list the value of you. It might sound dopey, but for all the time you might spend criticizing and putting yourself down, you need to make a mental list of your valuable assets. You have them. You have your funny side, your compassionate side, your loving side, your nurturing side, your smart side, your hard-working side, and so many other sides. List them. Pin them up on a mirror. Every day we spend time looking in mirrors to check out our face, teeth, and clothes. Have some internal, introspective, beneath-the-surface qualities that demonstrate you are worthy. Chances are you have forgotten some. After internalizing your list, you will notice better when others do not appreciate you, and you will know sooner to stop wasting emotional energy on them or to re-prioritize them as an option person too.

The fourth step towards becoming a priority person is to invest yourself in a worthy cause. You might not think about volunteering and charity as a self-help tool, but it can be. If you are a giving person, give to a cause that will benefit from your good works. Do not dump your energy into people who are not valuing you. It does no good. But do give yourself to helping others and causes you care about, and you will be doing something of value. Just think of it, you just added another reason for yourself that you are a valuable, worthy person.

The fifth step towards becoming a priority person is to not turn back. It is difficult for me not to look back on the good times with people and not think better times will come around, but realistically, you should not turn back. Once you have realized you are the option, not the priority, a priority person will not look back, or go back to being the option person. It will hurt, and you might not get closure, but if you want to be your own person, you have to move forward.

The sixth step towards becoming a priority person is to believe that better people and better things are just ahead. The number one reason people get stuck being an option is that they do not believe there is someone or something better just ahead. Maybe few people want to admit it, but it seems a lot of drama is coming out of the idea that they are “meant to be” with a certain someone. Giving up on that person is giving up on love. Giving up means breaking our word. We promised. We committed. We must remain faithful and true to the end. We must go down with the ship!

The thing is, once the other person has given up on love, stopped trying, started investing themselves elsewhere, the love stopped existing. Once the friendship was left behind, it withered and died. Relationships, like plants, need things to live and more care to thrive. Hanging on to someone or something because of a story you told yourself a few years ago is going to take away the best things in your life: your possibilities and your future.

As cliche as it might sound, it is true: every ending is something else’s beginning. If you have worked on yourself and your priorities, the right people and opportunities will show themselves.

The seventh and final step towards becoming a priority person is to stay fluid and continue to make new friends. One of the reasons high school can be terrible, or some job can be awful, is that we get stuck with the same people and the same routines. Nothing new or interesting happens unless someone new comes into the group. Instead of waiting for someone new to come to you, like the option people do, you need to go out and meet new people, make new friends and contacts, and expand your horizons. As an option person, you probably fenced yourself in. You may even have lost touch with other people because you were trying to stay available for that other person or because you allowed yourself to get sucked into all their plans having none of your own.

In conclusion, becoming a priority person is about valuing yourself, believing in yourself, and prioritizing yourself. It is about recognizing the users in your life and distancing yourself from them. It is about investing in yourself and your future. It is about recognizing that every ending is something else’s beginning. It is about staying fluid and making new friends. You cannot make people make you a priority, but you do have the power to enable yourself to become a priority person in life.